So what have I been up to lately?

Quite a bit. Honestly, I spend most of my time exhausted when I'm not doing stuff, but it keeps me out of trouble. Here's some of the highlights:

Thanks for the overtime, could have done without the bad mouthing though.

So Tuesday morning I had to call the GSM of the hotel I work for because there it was 7:15 am, I'm all alone, she's the only one on the schedule and I just heard from one of the maintenance guys that there was an accident that may have been on her route to work. Now I thought I was nice and respectful, I even felt a bad about waking her up, but according to what I have been told, she had a bit of a different story. I'm not sure exactly what was said, but apparently I was shitty to her. I also heard she got corrected by the same maintenance guy that was present when I called her. Oddly enough, when I called her back later on because I noticed I left with the desk keys she didn't seem to have a problem with me then or when I saw her Friday when I picked up my check. Heck, she was pretty nice both times. I thought about confronting her about it, but I'll be over it once I'm done typing this.

Yeah, I'm over it.

Look Mom, I know you are trying to help me here, but I'd rather carry 100 pounds of lead than 10 pounds of feathers!

Well, my mom is out of the hospital, but not quite 100%. I've been helping her out. Kinda wish I could do more. One big thing though is doing the grocery shopping for my parents. May not seem like a big deal, but try carting a weeks worth of groceries across town taking buses and walking. Every week it's the same thing when my mother is giving me the list - she keeps worrying about the weight of the things, I'm worried about size. I'm built like an ox, I can carry a lot of weight. I'm not very big though, and my backpack can only hold so much. I try to keep it limited to a full backpack and 2 bags. I don't care if the backpack is full of canned goods, that's cool. But when I'm carrying a family size box of waffles, a bag of hoagie rolls, a big bag of chips, etc. well space gets to be at a premium. And in case anyone it wondering, my father can devour a family size box of waffles in a few days all by himself.

And speaking of my father....

There's some program he's on now. It's like a day care for geezers. As opposed to putting them in a nursing home. I'm thinking it's not very good. He goes on the days my mom is at dialysis. So my mom has to get him ready before dialysis and usually take care of him when he gets home. He's come home a few times with a Depends full of shit and piss. Also, I don't know what they are feeding him there, but his blood sugar has been higher than ever a few times afterwards. The program he's on is called PACE. I don't know all the details, but if things don't straighten out, expect a rather big long rant from me after we get him out of the program.

And all that being said....

It's getting up on the end of my shift here at work, which means my computer time will be significantly limited until I come back to work. I still need to buy a new laptop. I still can't afford it. Well I could afford it just fine if I was not going to DragonCon.

BTW, you can help me in a small way be clicking on the Google ads, or in a slightly bigger way by clicking on the "tip jar" in the corner.

Mom is home from the hospital, job search continues

She's not back to herself, but she's trying to make as little work for me as possible. I really wish my father would do the same. He wants to be lazy, have everyone do everything for him but won't go into a nursing home. Like he would rather make life hell for me and my mother. It's like he's trying to make himself weaker too. He can get around using a walker, but insists on using a wheelchair instead. He'd make a bed-ridden invalid of himself if he could get away with it.

In other news, remember that job interview I had?

Well, it didn't happen. I had to call and rescheduled due to my relief coming in 10 minutes late. Which caused me to miss my bus. And the next one was late. Yeah, got fucked over by both my job and public transportation. Not cool. And when I called and rescheduled I only got to talk to a voicemail. They never returned my call. I called again Tuesday, still no returned call. Really not cool. I don't think I would have gotten the job anyway. Too corporate. I doubt my current haircut and colour would have flown. And the last time I changed my look for a job I regretted it. I'd rather not do that again. Though I did meet some cool people so it wasn't all bad. Still when your boss seems to be more concerned about your grooming that how you do your job, something is seriously fucked up.

I'm still on the hunt for something else. Been thinking maybe it's time to do something that is not hospitality. Not sure what though. I've been a Help desk person, network admin, college teacher, substitute school teacher, mechanic, hotel desk guy, night auditor. I've done a lot. I'm not even sure where to go from here. I want to be a high school math teacher, but I need to finish my degree first.

I'm sick of dealing with stupid bull shit like what I had to deal with tonight. Why can't people just shut the fuck up when I tell them other hotel guests are complaining about their noise? And why do they have to tell me how much money they are spending? I don't give a shit. What makes people think that the amount of money they spend invalidates someone else's complaint? What am I supposed to do? Tell them, "I'm really sorry, the people that are keeping you awake spent more money than you so you are just going to have to put up with it." Yeah, I'm sure that will go over really well.

Another update on my father

I got a lot going through my head. A few days ago I was talking to my close friend and virtual big sister, Meg, about my feeling like I need to make some level of peace with my father. He's got one foot in the grave and another on a banana. There's a rather long list of things that's wrong with him. I don't think he's going soon, but let's just say it looks pretty grim. Most anyone that has known me long enough knows I haven't gotten along with him hardly at all in my adult life. I still care about him on some level, not sure why.

One thing that was brought to my attention in talking to Meg was that I have never really done anything wrong by him. While it was a conscious effort or not, he has managed to totally alienate me from him. It should be the other way around. He's too stubborn, too full of himself, too set in his ways for that. I'm not expecting it.

I think another issue I'm contending with is not the need to make peace but the need for some level of approval. Something I really never had. My mom told me a few times that he is proud of me, but he never said it, never showed it, never seemed to care. At least not in my adult life. I was the first in either side of the family to graduate college, and graduated with honors. He actually looks down on me for it. I went back to college and twice made the National Dean's List. He told me the first time "that and a quarter will get you a phone call" I didn't bother telling him the second time. I studied at Cambridge University. He didn't seem to care at all. I did hear him telling a nurse one of the other times he was in the hospital about his son, the college professor, but he was telling it to her in a way that sounded like he wanted the recognition.

Sadly, I'd soon have his approval if I traded in those accomplishments that I'm proud of for a pretty, fast car, a case of trophies and a career as a mechanic. Then maybe I'd have his approval. That brings some questions. Would I be living for myself or living for him? Would I be happy? Do I need his approval?

I'm not my father. I'm not about living for him or living in his shadow either. I'm my own person. I'm proud of who I am. I'm happy with my life. As long as I have that, I don't require his approval. I don't require him to be proud of me. Though it would be nice, it is certainly not needed. If he can't accept me for who I am, that's his problem, not mine.

OK, so I'm glad I got that off my chest, now for something else that has been eating at me.

Like I said, for whatever reason, I still care about him. I think it has something to do with the fact that he wasn't always like this. I try to keep that in mind, keeps me from hating him totally and reminds me that part of his problem stems from things like anger and depression brought on by his deteriorating condition.

I don't think he's really getting proper care from the doctor or the hospital. Yes, part of this is his refusal of tests and procedures, but it also has to do with the doctors and the hospital itself. He's nearly constantly being told he can refuse. No one tries to encourage him in any way. Me and my mother can't be there all the time. And there's some stupid things going on too. Like they will take an X-ray of his arm and after he's all comfy back in his room decide it's not good enough and want another one. I'm not doctor, but I know it doesn't take long for X-rays to develop. Wouldn't it be smarter to keep him there until they get the picture they want?

That's just an example. They complain that he's costing the hospital too much money. They are part of the problem. They want to put him in a nursing home. Hey, I'll agree it's not a bad thing for him, but he's got problems that need to be taken care of. I think I might need to go down there and raise a little hell on his behalf.

That's enough insight into my little world for now. I would appreciate some comments on this one.

Just a bit annoyed

Between the general stupidity of people at my work and my mother's self imposed martyrdom I'm going to wind up with a permanent dent in my head in the shape of my hand.

My mother is trying to get me to move back home

I really don't want to. I mean I know things are not quite going the way I'd like them to, but I didn't move out that long ago. I would stand to save a lot of money moving back in. I could go back to school and get a new car. I'd also be able to better help my mother.

However, moving back to my parents house puts me further away from work. Monday - Friday this is not a problem, there's a bus that can take me to work. On the weekends, I'm not sure. That's the light part of it. I can't stand my father. I hate him. He is the reason I moved out in the first place. I don't like is attitude toward me and I can't stand the attitude he takes up with my mom. Then there's all the problems he has. His bladder control problem make the house reek of urine. His morbid obesity and need to use a walker to get around cause him to block off entire sections of the house. He has a severe eating disorder, because of this I cannot store any food in the refrigerator with out the risk of him eating it. His TV is on 24 hours a day with the volume cranked all the way up.

In my own place I enjoy simple things such as not having to be so self concious about whether or not I smell like I pissed myself. Or being able walk from the bedroom to the kitchen when ever I want. Or know that I can store food with out it disappearing.

I do have to say this, if my father was not there, I would be packing my stuff right now.

I knew it was going to happen

On my way out my father started shit with me.

Reminded me of exactly why I am no longer living there. "Ignore him" My mother tells me. How do you ignore a 500+ pound sack of shit that is standing totally in your way? And instead of moving he just started screaming and shouting at me. I had a bus to catch, I don't have time for his bullshit. I have a job to get to. And this was after I spent vast majority of the last 2 days doing stuff for my parents. I don't deserve that.

I hope he chokes on his own fat.

Spending the night at my parents house

I currently do not have internet or phone service in my apartment. New service doesn't get installed until Monday, old service left with my roommate. Makes it difficult to keep an eye out for available substitute teaching work.

So far though, nothing available.

I'm grateful for my mom letting me stay, but I do have to say, I am being reminded why I moved out/wanted to move out.

So I'm stuck at my parents' house

Waiting on the bus. What kinds of a worthless bus system runs every hour?

I need to go, I need to get out of here. I love my mom but my dad can be difficult do deal with. Couple that with the fact that this place stinks. Literally. My dad had a major bladder control problem and pisses everywhere. I came over here after work to help my mom with some things. Did some cleaning for her too. It's a little better, but still smells. My father makes life so difficult for my mom. He won't acknowledge the fact that he needs help and should really be in a nursing home until this bladder issue is cleared up and he can walk better. I really wish he would also treat my mom better. She doesn't deserve all the crap he has put her through.

Every time I come here I am reminded of at least a few of the many reasons why I moved out.

Those digital TV converter boxes...

The ones that allow people without satellite or cable to use their old TVs.

Yeah my parents have them.

And my dad is too stupid to operate it.

It's sad when you have to direct someone to the Channel + and Channel - buttons to fix a remote that doesn't work and a TV that doesn't change channels. Even worse, he was bashing the TV with his cane to break it so we buy him another one.

The on going saga of my family

In checking my email before work, I got an email from my mother telling me that my sperm donor's TV stopped working.

That was another thing we were going to pick up at a thrift store.

Instant Karma.