I got a lot going through my head. A few days ago I was talking to my close friend and virtual big sister, Meg, about my feeling like I need to make some level of peace with my father. He's got one foot in the grave and another on a banana. There's a rather long list of things that's wrong with him. I don't think he's going soon, but let's just say it looks pretty grim. Most anyone that has known me long enough knows I haven't gotten along with him hardly at all in my adult life. I still care about him on some level, not sure why.
One thing that was brought to my attention in talking to Meg was that I have never really done anything wrong by him. While it was a conscious effort or not, he has managed to totally alienate me from him. It should be the other way around. He's too stubborn, too full of himself, too set in his ways for that. I'm not expecting it.
I think another issue I'm contending with is not the need to make peace but the need for some level of approval. Something I really never had. My mom told me a few times that he is proud of me, but he never said it, never showed it, never seemed to care. At least not in my adult life. I was the first in either side of the family to graduate college, and graduated with honors. He actually looks down on me for it. I went back to college and twice made the National Dean's List. He told me the first time "that and a quarter will get you a phone call" I didn't bother telling him the second time. I studied at Cambridge University. He didn't seem to care at all. I did hear him telling a nurse one of the other times he was in the hospital about his son, the college professor, but he was telling it to her in a way that sounded like he wanted the recognition.
Sadly, I'd soon have his approval if I traded in those accomplishments that I'm proud of for a pretty, fast car, a case of trophies and a career as a mechanic. Then maybe I'd have his approval. That brings some questions. Would I be living for myself or living for him? Would I be happy? Do I need his approval?
I'm not my father. I'm not about living for him or living in his shadow either. I'm my own person. I'm proud of who I am. I'm happy with my life. As long as I have that, I don't require his approval. I don't require him to be proud of me. Though it would be nice, it is certainly not needed. If he can't accept me for who I am, that's his problem, not mine.
OK, so I'm glad I got that off my chest, now for something else that has been eating at me.
Like I said, for whatever reason, I still care about him. I think it has something to do with the fact that he wasn't always like this. I try to keep that in mind, keeps me from hating him totally and reminds me that part of his problem stems from things like anger and depression brought on by his deteriorating condition.
I don't think he's really getting proper care from the doctor or the hospital. Yes, part of this is his refusal of tests and procedures, but it also has to do with the doctors and the hospital itself. He's nearly constantly being told he can refuse. No one tries to encourage him in any way. Me and my mother can't be there all the time. And there's some stupid things going on too. Like they will take an X-ray of his arm and after he's all comfy back in his room decide it's not good enough and want another one. I'm not doctor, but I know it doesn't take long for X-rays to develop. Wouldn't it be smarter to keep him there until they get the picture they want?
That's just an example. They complain that he's costing the hospital too much money. They are part of the problem. They want to put him in a nursing home. Hey, I'll agree it's not a bad thing for him, but he's got problems that need to be taken care of. I think I might need to go down there and raise a little hell on his behalf.
That's enough insight into my little world for now. I would appreciate some comments on this one.
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