Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm really concerned about my father and could really use some advice

I was talking to my mom earlier today, she was with my father at the rehab centre today. I didn't like what I heard and I have to say I'm a bit worried for him. I was worried any way because the last time I saw him he looked really sad. Not just in sad shape but sad emotionally. Yeah, in the past years since he stopped working he hasn't been the greatest husband to my mother and I haven't gotten along all that well with him since I was an older teenager, but he is still my father. He wasn't always like he has been and he hasn't done anything bad enough to deserve this. I still care about him. He was a good father.

He's not getting proper care. They are supposed to be in his room to check on him every 2 hours. My mother was there several hours today and someone was only there to bring him lunch. They have him in a Depends because of his bladder control problem. Well that and the fact that he can't get out of the bed on his own. It went unchanged and unchecked until my mother said something to the charge nurse and regrettably that was after he had a bowel movement in it. According to my mother, when they changed it, it was saturated. Now I know you can't leave a baby in a dirty or wet diaper, so it makes sense to me that the same goes for a 73 year old man in a Depends.

There's another thing. We are nearly positive he's being drugged in some way. I know my dad. He's been my dad for all my 33 years. My mother is telling me he's scared of the staff there. Now I do understand that realizing one's own mortality may does things to a person, but this just isn't him. He was a biker. He raced cars. He raced motorcycles. He raced boats. I wouldn't have put it past him to race planes if he had the money and pilot's licence. Same goes for anything else that could be made to go faster. In his younger days he was a bouncer at a bar. He was forced to drop out of high school because of the number of fights he found himself in then. He was always a tough, stubborn and fearless man. If personality traits are genetic, it's certainly where the tougher side of me comes from. I remember rather vividly at my high school graduation someone making a remark about where he parked his customised '56 T-bird. My dad was right in that guy's face. Trust me when I say this, hearing about him fearing anyone is a huge shock. Even in his rather disabled state, it would be more likely to hear about him beating the stuffing out of a staff member rather than fearing them.

I'm going to pay the rehab a visit. I do need some advice first. Especially if any of this continues. As much as I'd like to walk in there and crack a few skulls, I have a feeling that's probly not the best course of action. Has anyone ever had to deal with this sort of thing?

I just want him to get well and be mobile again.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

He's in a rehab centre now

Nursing home, rehab centre, he will tell you it's a jail.

It's his fault he's there. He should have taken better care of himself. He should have listened to me. He should have listened to my mom.

The doctor was at least able to figure out what is going on with his arm. It's just severe arthritis. There is a surgery they can do, but they are giving him steroids and physical therapy in an effort to avoid surgery.

If he can be up and mobile, he can come home. He's way too much for my mom to take care of if he is not mobile. He's not seeing it that way yet. Hopefully he will. Hopefully he will get good care while he is there. It looks like nice place.

We have bigger concerns now. When my mom and I went back to her place to pick up some of his things to bring back to him, there was a card on the door from a Department of children and Families Adult Protection investigator. I'm worried for my mom. Since he has been in the hospital, we have been working to get the smell out of the house. In case I never made it clear, he has had a bladder control problem for years and lives in an easy chair. He refuses to wear Depends or anything of that nature. The chair is saturated with urine, the house reeks. He also goes for months with out bathing. Making him and the house reek more. He's got what appears to be bedsores on his butt and the backs of his legs. He looks like a serious case of neglect.

My mother cleaned up after him a on regular basis. She begged, pleaded, and argued with him to wear the Depends. Same goes for getting him to bathe or even to get up and walk around or just do something other than sit in his chair and rot. She's talked to his doctor about the sores and about his bladder problem. They tried to do something about the bladder control and did nothing about the sores.

I'm going to be pissed if DCF does anything to my mom. She's done nothing wrong. She's done everything she could short of getting him hauled out of there. I don't blame her for any of this, I blame him. She tried to help him, he did nothing but fight her.

I'm going to be continuing to help her with the house so when they do come to inspect, it doesn't look so bad.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Another update on my father

I got a lot going through my head. A few days ago I was talking to my close friend and virtual big sister, Meg, about my feeling like I need to make some level of peace with my father. He's got one foot in the grave and another on a banana. There's a rather long list of things that's wrong with him. I don't think he's going soon, but let's just say it looks pretty grim. Most anyone that has known me long enough knows I haven't gotten along with him hardly at all in my adult life. I still care about him on some level, not sure why.

One thing that was brought to my attention in talking to Meg was that I have never really done anything wrong by him. While it was a conscious effort or not, he has managed to totally alienate me from him. It should be the other way around. He's too stubborn, too full of himself, too set in his ways for that. I'm not expecting it.

I think another issue I'm contending with is not the need to make peace but the need for some level of approval. Something I really never had. My mom told me a few times that he is proud of me, but he never said it, never showed it, never seemed to care. At least not in my adult life. I was the first in either side of the family to graduate college, and graduated with honors. He actually looks down on me for it. I went back to college and twice made the National Dean's List. He told me the first time "that and a quarter will get you a phone call" I didn't bother telling him the second time. I studied at Cambridge University. He didn't seem to care at all. I did hear him telling a nurse one of the other times he was in the hospital about his son, the college professor, but he was telling it to her in a way that sounded like he wanted the recognition.

Sadly, I'd soon have his approval if I traded in those accomplishments that I'm proud of for a pretty, fast car, a case of trophies and a career as a mechanic. Then maybe I'd have his approval. That brings some questions. Would I be living for myself or living for him? Would I be happy? Do I need his approval?

I'm not my father. I'm not about living for him or living in his shadow either. I'm my own person. I'm proud of who I am. I'm happy with my life. As long as I have that, I don't require his approval. I don't require him to be proud of me. Though it would be nice, it is certainly not needed. If he can't accept me for who I am, that's his problem, not mine.

OK, so I'm glad I got that off my chest, now for something else that has been eating at me.

Like I said, for whatever reason, I still care about him. I think it has something to do with the fact that he wasn't always like this. I try to keep that in mind, keeps me from hating him totally and reminds me that part of his problem stems from things like anger and depression brought on by his deteriorating condition.

I don't think he's really getting proper care from the doctor or the hospital. Yes, part of this is his refusal of tests and procedures, but it also has to do with the doctors and the hospital itself. He's nearly constantly being told he can refuse. No one tries to encourage him in any way. Me and my mother can't be there all the time. And there's some stupid things going on too. Like they will take an X-ray of his arm and after he's all comfy back in his room decide it's not good enough and want another one. I'm not doctor, but I know it doesn't take long for X-rays to develop. Wouldn't it be smarter to keep him there until they get the picture they want?

That's just an example. They complain that he's costing the hospital too much money. They are part of the problem. They want to put him in a nursing home. Hey, I'll agree it's not a bad thing for him, but he's got problems that need to be taken care of. I think I might need to go down there and raise a little hell on his behalf.

That's enough insight into my little world for now. I would appreciate some comments on this one.

Friday, March 12, 2010

More fun with Fundies

I think the PM I just received is pretty self explanatory.

Dear Persephone66,

You have received a warning at Theology Forum | Theology Online.

Unnecessarily disruptive

If you have nothing to add please stay out of the thread.

In fact... if you have nothing to add to the forum in general, please find another forum to participate on.

Original Post:
Umm look it up on wikipedia?
Warnings serve as a reminder to you of the forum's rules, which you are expected to understand and follow.

All the best,
Theology Forum | Theology Online

Well excuse me for giving you a pretty valid suggestion!

He wanted to know what legalism meant. Perhaps he fears that spending time on sites like wikipedia might enlighten him. He could have done a fucking google search too. Or at least rephrased his question a little differently. Like maybe said "What does legalism mean to you?" Is that really so hard?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

More Fundamentalist Christian idiocy and judgment.

Fundies amuse me, their judgment and what they can tell me about myself amuses me more.

In this thread on TOL, a Christian homophobe jack ass seems to be happy that gays are being executed. Because his homophobe God would want it that way, says so in the Bible.

I decide to make this rather light-hearted remark -

I guess you and BillyBob can't go vacationing there.

Come on, that was funny.

He responds to it with this drivel -

You've always had a problem with understanding what it means to have men as friends. Apparently, it's something your father implanted in you, and the reason why you'd rather be a woman.

There you have it folks, I don't understand what it means to have men as friends. Let that be a warning to you guys that I thought I was friends with. Also it seems this guy knows more about my childhood than I do. As per usual, Christians who have only really just met me know everything about me, aren't they grand? I wonder what else they can tell me about myself.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

My father is in the hospital and for this I am thankful.

I know that's not something people are normally thankful for. Let's face it, I'm not normal, my family isn't normal either. It's not that I don't get along with my father. Or that he has driven me to near insanity by being a complete an total jerk. Or that he can be a real jerk to my mom at times too.

It's that it's the best thing for him really. And the best thing for my mom. She could use some time away from him. If anything, she won't have to wake up in the morning to cleaning up after him. Or her house smelling awful. things will get a bit less expensive for her too. No more TV constantly running. The heater will be on less. Less laundry. Less work, less cost and at least a little less stress.

So what's wrong with him? What isn't wrong with him? He couldn't get out of his chair and was in a lot of pain. He also had not been eating much over the past few days and last time he was at his doctor's office, his sugars were a little high. He's diabetic but he never tests his own blood sugar. At the hospital after they ran some tests, poked, prodded, whatever, they found that his kidneys are starting to fail, severe arthritis, and that he's got ulcers on his ass from sitting so much. He lives in his easy chair, BTW.

There's some other things going on. His legs are filling up with water. His varicose veins are bursting. He hasn't washed in weeks if not months. He's had a bladder control problem for years. He can't get around very well because his hip that was replaced never healed right. A lot of that is his own neglect of his health and personal hygiene. He's also got prostate cancer.

Yeah, he's got a lot of problems. I don't know if they can get him back to something closer to being healthy. If they could, it would be nice. Might make a better person out of him. But I've got about as much faith in that as I do in the holy spirit.